Sorry Not in Service

Send Them Back

Gordano!

 

Fear not dear listener, we haven't named the podcast 'Send Them Back' because we've boarded the far right choo choo train The Politics of 2016 Oblivion Express. No, it's merely in reference to a comment made during this podcast about returning your first born child from whence it came, because it turns out not to be as much fun as you'd hoped.

 

But fear not dear listener, because Simon is yet to make his mind up on that front. His attention sapping first born has merely created an enforced absence from his true love, radio broadcasting and so this is another placeholder podcast (#2).

 

But fear not dear listener, for we will return for a proper show and podcast on the 9th December.

 

Gordano!

Many Happy Returns

Gordano!

 

Welcome along dearest listener (you are the dearest one to us, don't let on to the others though - they are very needy people).

 

The responsibility enforced hiatus is half over! That's right, while Simon is still coming to terms with the fact he can no longer spend his weekends and week day nights splayed on the sofa watching Challenge TV, William is available and has stepped up to the plate and then deposited something on the plate*

 

Simon may be back for the next one, depending on how time consuming parenthood is. We can report that he pleasantly surprised to learn that he still has time to edit a podcast and write this introduction to it. Quick tip for other new parents, cupboards are excellent, money saving alternatives to child minders.

 

So make love, one and all!

 

Gordano!

 

* The plate in this metaphor is 10radio and the item deposited on it is a radio show, latterly turned into this podcast.

The Sudan Special

Gordano!

Due to childbirth based circumstances there was no Sorry Not in Service broadcast on the 28th October. But because we have a keen grasp of where our priorities lie, that was not going to stop us recording a place-holder podcast (this podcast)

It's not immediately clear when we'll be back to our normal schedule but just know this: you dear listener are our number one priority and nothing will get in the way of you and your need for entertainment. We'll ask you to think about that when Simon's marriage falls apart and he is estranged from his child because of you and your demands.

Gordano!

Dad, Thanks For Picking Up Will's Coat From Isle Brewers

Gordano!

And may the Lord be your salvation. Also, here's the very first Sorry Not in Service podcast of November 2016, not only that but it's got a special guest host, not only that but it's a Carnivorrrr special!

That's right, it just keeps getting better and better. You are well within your rights to be salivating as much as you are. Best get listening before you get forcibly removed from the internet computer booths at the library.

To hear the version of the show with all of the Carnivorrrrr songs on it, go to mixcloud.com. To buy your physical or imaginary copy of Carnivorrrr's second album go to carnivorrrr.bandcamp.com. To receive your OBE for services to sultanas, go to carnivorrrr.bandcamp.com

Gordano!

There'll Always Be Moira Stuart

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Welcome to the podcast that The Times of London has described as ‘a seminal piece of work, a bit like the Jesus story crossed with something else that is really cool - a must listen. xxx’

Moreover, the Queen is now confirmed as a subscriber and if hearsay is to be believed, HearSay are also keen. Lead singer Clive Dugdale was recently seen falling out of a popular Folkestone nightspot whilst listening to said podcast. So it really is very good.

In this one, we get our debate on again and receive e-mails sent from an iPhone! We also learn about self control, Will’s latest attempts to get fired from Sainsbury’s and have a grape thrown at a mouth.

If you’d like to hear the version that has the pop music on it, go to mixcloud.com. To book you place on the ‘How to Be As Attractive as Prunella Scales’ seminar, go to sorrynotinservice.com.

Gordano!

Birds or Bridges (Gifts or Psychic Attacks)

Gordano!

Welcome to the all new rebranded Sorry Not in Service! From here on in we are going to be your all time favourite Missy Elliott themed podcast, providing you with all the latest news and stats regarding the hit rapstress. As a special bonus to you, here’s a stat for free:

Missy Elliott is NOT Elliott Smith’s niece.

Pop that in your scrap book and smoke it.

A few other things to pop in your scrap book (before or after the inferno) is our brand new feature Birds or Bridges, and all the other new stuff in our super special rebranded show (e.g. the new theme tune).

For your chance to win death bed redemption, go to sorrynotinservice.com

Gordano!

Painting the Fourth Wall

Gordano! 

A short play about the NHS:

Patient: Doctor doctor! I feel like a microwave!

Doctor: Oh for FFS sake! Stop wasting my time with these absurd complaints. I’m sick of it. I genuinely had someone in earlier telling me they felt like a pair of curtains. It took all my inner strength not to stab them in the eyes with this scalpel. Get out!

Patient leaves through window

Doctor presses intercom

Doctor: Miriam, can you cancel the rest of my appointments please and get me a brandy, doc’s got one of his migraines coming. Oh, and while you’re in the secret cupboard, could you fetch me the latest Sorry Not in Service podcast please? I need to feel better about myself. Thanks Miriam.

Scene.

If you’d like to feel less like a washed up old bag of post-it notes and more like the good doctor above (or indeed her very attractive assistant Miriam) then you've done the right thing by downloading this podcast, to listen to the version with the pop music on then go here. To print off your very own hang gliding proficiency certificate, then go to sorrynotinservice.com.

Gordano!

Crazy Masks and Jaunty Tunes

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48 year old male with GSOB (good sense of Beef) would like to meet an person for fishing trips, religious awakenings, car park scuffles, bad ideas for wet weekends and maybe more/less.

Also, a real deal breaker for me would be an interest in the latest Sorry Not in Service podcast. Must be keen on birthday presents for others, throwaway and potentially regrettable mentions of atrocities, mossy bottoms and misc content.

If interested in meeting me, go to iTunes or sorrynotinservice.podbean.com. If after our first date you fancy seeing more of me then go to mixcloud.com. If you’re REALLY in to me, and would like to see me with my kit off, fully exposed and ready for action, go to sorrynotinservice.com.

Gordano!

Playing Around With the Form

Gordano!

Person A: Please may I have a bar of Snickers please?

Person B: Certainly

Person A: How much is it?

Person B: 60p

Person A: That seems a little steep

Person B: It is what it is, if you want them cheaper then you're probably better served going to a large supermarket chain who have the buying power to bring in stock for a much cheaper rate and pass that on to the customer. Sure, it's less money but all you're really doing is lining the pockets of big business and somewhere along the way, someone will be feeling the pinch. Buy it here and you're boosting the local economy. The admittedly higher mark up in my shop will be reinvested in the community in one way or another be it the staff I employ or the local man who cleans my windows.

Person A: Makes sense, I'll do my best. Trouble is, I don't have 60p. All I have is 34p and this Sorry Not in Service podcast.

Person B: I'll take the podcast and you can have as many Snickers as you want. That podcast is flipping ace. It's got What's Tom Up To Tom on it from off of the smash podcast PodCage.

Person A: Seems like a fair deal, I've also got the version with the pop music on it from mixcloud.com

Person B: You can have my daughter as well if you give me that.

Person C: Sorry, couldn't help overhearing. Why do you keep the Snickers behind the counter?

Scene

Gordano!

https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/podcage/id1133005984?mt=2

Gordano!

Welcome along you jerk. You feckless idiot, you bum note, you dreadful nectarine. Look at you, you’re a disgrace and I never want to see you again.

Only joking! You’re great and can I have a pint of lemonade please?

Tell you what, I’ll swap you a pint of lemonade for the latest Sorry Not in Service podcast. It’s the height of summer so the hosts are in a dreadful state and wearing down the exclamation mark that sits atop the self destruct button. That said, there’s crowd pleasers such as football, pink hotels and sitting in disused boats so it’s not all bad.

If you’d like to hear the version with all pop music and that, go to mixcloud.com. If you’d like to sleep with hedgehogs in a biblical sense, go to sorrynotinservice.com

Gordano!